Even after nearly six months back at work, by 5 o’clock, I still feel so anxious to exit the premises and go squeeze my baby, I can hardly stand it. I cannot think of how to accurately articulate the feeling that overcomes me around this time every day. I guess the two situations I can most compare it to would be the excitement and longing of young love and the anxious feeling when your partner is about to return from an extended trip. Except, of course, it is different than both of these feelings as there is this little person who cannot even say my name (although she has Mamamamamamama mastered, you go girl!), who has nothing to give me besides her complete, unintentional, non-deliberate, unconditional love and the kayootness intrinsic to her. She is so dependent on us to take care of her every need, yet in spite of that, I need and long for her more than most, perhaps all things in my life not accounting for the essentials like food, water and air…and Andy.
This has turned way too sappy for no good reason except I think what I am trying to say is that feeling when I leave work each day is such a strong, anxious urge to fling myself to wherever in the world (okay, Boise) she is, as fast as I possibly can and resume the part of life that really matters.
While driving, I spend my time replaying my day and picturing what Belén will be doing when I arrive at her location. The only thing keeping me from speeding is the realization that if I am pulled over it will be even longer until I see her.
And then, and then…the climax comes when I peek my head into the room where she playing and say, “HIIIIIiiiiiii!” She looks up, sees me and gives me a big smile. It absolutely melts me! And sometimes she even does her little anxious laugh which doubles as her imploring “Mommy, give me a boob” laugh.
Next, I hug her as if I haven’t seen her in years and suddenly I feel whole again.
We conclude by playing for a little bit before we head home to repeat the cycle except with daddy.
In a million years, I never would have thought I would be this head over heals.