I’m at a bit of a crossroads.
Unfortunately it’s not one of those interactions where you pause briefly and take a right hand turn or even where you stop and wait 60 seconds before turning left. There is not an accident or construction adding to the delay. It is more like I am sitting at a light, at 5:28 in the morning, almost late to my running date, watching it stare at me with its single red eye endlessly preventing me from moving forward despite only blackness surrounding me, not a car in sight.
I am stuck in a holding pattern until the light turns or I decide to say screw it and run the red light. It won’t matter because there is nobody there to see me break the law, but for some reason the possibility of someone coming around the corner just as I press the accelerator keeps me there, frozen.
And here I sit, motionless.
I don’t do idle well. I am much more comfortable immersing myself in change and piling on the projects and responsibility. This is what I have done for the past year, hell my whole life and I have recently come to realize, I am not achieving the results I am looking for.
But what am I looking for? That is the question which has me stuck.
Do I want to be a writer? Do I want to be a general manager at a large corporation? Do I want to be an entrepreneur? Do I want to be a stay-at-home-mom? Do I want to be a globetrotting wanderer? Do I want to speak five languages? Do I want to have a four-hour work week?
But I am not seven people. I am me, which thus far has allowed me to take on the early stages of all of those paths. Now those seven paths have led to an intersection which will not allow me to take more than one or two of them at the same time. My map is ripped and the writing has been worn off so I am trying to tap into my gut feel which has served me well thus far, but today it is silent.
As uncomfortable as it is for someone whose strengths are activator, achiever, futuristic, positivity and strategic to sit here twiddling my thumbs, wondering what to do next, I am finding it slightly liberating. Free time is not such a bad thing, it’s just something I have never had time for.
I am able to cope with this situation because I have enough possibilities on the horizon, I know the future is bright with whatever path I choose. I have two book ideas. I am reading books on how to write books. I always have a business idea or two or three. I am learning a tremendous amount in my job and love the people I work with (and there is more than enough work I can fill any ounce of my spare time with it.) We have a trip scheduled to France next summer to see the Tour de France and thus I have motivation to learn French. My kids are so awesome and I love spending as much time as possible with them.
Life is truly good. It is just weird not having my free time booked 150%.
Is it the calm before the storm? If so, is the storm some crazy change my life is going to take or is it just the shuttle stage where my kids activities begin to take center stage above my own?
Tonight I have no answers, only questions. I think I’ll turn on a Gossip Girl episode and let my mind get lost in teenage drama. The achiever in me cringes while the rest of me knows this stage cannot last long. At some point the light is going to turn green and I am going to floor the accelerator.